Learning to Ask For What You Need + Mean What You Say

Mara Glatzel is a self-love coach and author of the body image + authentic living blog, Medicinal Marzipan. If you enjoyed this post, catch up with her (almost) daily body-loving antics and general rabble-rousing on facebook,  twitter, or shoot her an email.

When was the last time that you asked for what you needed?

I’m not talking “Will you please pass me the OJ?”

I’m talking about getting down on your knees, with your arms out stretched, and uttering the secret desires in a heartfelt plea.

I’m talking about cutting through the background noise, the games, the I-really-shouldn’t, and asking for what you need.

I know it’s a tall order.

I also know what it feels like to go through your life, for years at a time, angry that your needs aren’t being met.

I know what it’s like to be angry at myself, because I know that no one can possibly meet a need that I haven’t verbalized out loud.

We are socialized to balance it all – work, life, love, the laundry, our master’s thesis, children, you name it. We are taught to resist asking for help.

We don’t want people to feel bad for us. We don’t want to be a bother. We think we’re supposed to be stronger than that.

We worry about what it means to let our guard down enough to permit someone else to help us.
What if we get used to someone helping us, and then they up and leave us?

In an era of smart phones, facebook chat and the multitude of buffers between us and the person that we are communicating with, it can be terrifying to hang up the phone, look someone in the eye and say:

I’m feeling a little overwhelmed, could you possibly help me out with _______?

Or, I’m feeling a little vulnerable right now with everything that’s going on, could you possible give me some extra love over the next couple of days?

Or, I’ve completely over-committed myself, is there any way that you could bake the cookies for the bake sale tomorrow?

When you dig deep and fess up about your limitations, you are allowing those around you to help you, reducing your level of stress, and ultimately, providing you the space to be a better friend, partner and person.

When you choose your words carefully and speak from your heart, you permit those around you to trust that you are impeccable with your world, and that you will ask for help when you need it.

The worst that they can say is no.

10 Ways To Make Your Work Day Lovely

Marthe Hagen is a soulful and adventurous writer and imagemaker. She shares her wisdom, musings and philosophy along with her visual inspiration over at The Freedom Experiment. She collects dreams and would love it if you would share yours. You can follow her at @Marthehhagen.

I’m in the middle of a stressful time in my life and I really need to be comfortable and inspired to stay sane. Here are my 10 tips on how to have a lovely day even though you have to work tons. These are particularly great for winter working!

1. Light candles. Candles are great for giving you a cozy feel! They give a little light to the room and they can make any office look a little homier! I prefer vanilla scented candles, but if you are somewhere else than your own home, you might want to go for the non-scented ones. I try to light candles whenever I’m home. It just makes me happy!

2. Listen to french music. Right now, I am in love with Carla Bruni’s Quelqu’un M’a Dit. I can also recommend Feist’s La meme histoire!

3. Wear a blanket. This might be hard to pull off in your office, but if you’re lucky to work at home, I think a blanket is essential to be comfortable! I have to feel warm when I work,  or I’ll just pay attention to the fact that I’m freezing and not my work.

4. Take pretty notes. Keep a lovely notebook close to you at all times. Write down your ideas, your plans and your thoughts to safeguard them while you work. I find that it keeps it easier for me to concentrate, as I know that I won’t forget the things that I want to do later. Makes sense? To make it nice and pretty, try using colors and drawings! Or what about making it a visual notebook of your non-work related thoughts during the day? Just make sure to keep it simple to avoid wasting too much of your precious work time!

5. Take a long lunch break. Do something motivating and interesting to help you focus on your work when you get back! I prefer eating something healthy and good, and then go for a browse in a bookstore nearby and look at the new books in your passion! Warning; this may take longer than you planned! But the point is; do what it takes to make your day lovely and productive!

6. Drink something hot. You might like coffee or tea, warm chocolate or something else entirely. But to make sure you have a lovely day while working, make sure it’s the best coffee/tea etc. available! Why drink heaps of bad coffee or cheap tea? It adds nothing to your day! Being able to really enjoy what you drink will increase your feeling of wellness and loveliness! I’m a tea person and right now I am in love with Kusmi Tea and my all time favorite is St. Petersburg and it’s really good!

7. Take a 10 minute blog break. Make a little treat for yourself; let’s say you work effectively for two hours and then you can reward yourself with a 10 minute blog break! Works at home, and if you’re at the office, make sure no one sees you!  Visit decor8 or Daydream Lily. And if you want some productivity boost, visit zen habits: Take lots of breaks to get more done, Think simple now: The 4 hour workday or Study Hacks: Fixed Schedule Productivity

8. Use colors. I love using colors when I work, it helps me focus, concentrate and learn. I apply the same technique at work, I am generally more productive when there’s a visual aspect about it. There are so many ways of surrounding yourself with colors; colored paper, pens, pictures or clothes! Use your favorite color while writing notes, hang up a few photographs (personal or artistic) that you see every time you lift your head, or wear your favorite color nail polish (effectively brightens your day if you’re spending the day writing on a computer!).

9. Be positive. Have a positive attitude towards your work really helps when you have a lot to do & would rather be somewhere else. Even though you may not feel like working, just pretending to love what you do can make your day better! Just tell yourself to pretend like you find a task interesting or exciting for five minutes, and those five may turn into ten! You may even finish your task before you realize it! Maybe it wasn’t that bad after all? Anything to brighten your day!

10. Look forward. To finishing your this project, to the weekend, to your vacation. Anything you long for can help you get through with less stress and more happiness! Look forward to an hour of your favorite novel before bed. Or look forward to tomorrow. Starting the madness all over.

What are your strategies for getting through work when you have so much else you want to do?

How To Fall In Love With Yourself

Davinia is a student and a writer who loves to blog about all manner of things: from travel to self-image, technology to writing skills. She also blogs about life since her big move from Malta to Dublin. You can read her blog here, and follow her on Twitter.

We’ve all heard it said that in order to maintain healthy relationships you need to love yourself first. Being in love with yourself doesn’t mean being narcissistic or selfish. It doesn’t mean always putting your needs before the needs of others.  Loving yourself is an active, conscious process. It means respecting your mind and your body and being able to evaluate which people and experiences are good for you and which you should avoid.

So how do you learn to love yourself? We live in a society where we’re trained to do quite the opposite. We indulge in self-deprecation in order to try to get people to pay us compliments, and when they don’t, we feel even worse. We are flooded by images of unrealistic ‘role models’. We are constantly trying to attain that ever elusive feeling of happiness and contentment through the wrong channels.  Happiness comes from within, and there are things you can actively do in order to learn to love yourself.

Accept yourself now
Yes, you.  Accept yourself right now. Tell yourself that you accept yourself and love the person you are in this moment. Now. Not tomorrow. Not when you’re 10 pounds lighter. Right now. In your sweat pants, with your make up off. Accept everything. Say it out loud.

Tell your hands and feet you accept them. Tell your stomach and thighs you accept them. Tell your mind you accept it, your voice, your eyes, your back, your bottom. If you wait until you’ve lost or gained some weight to love yourself, or if you only feel beautiful with make up on,  you won’t be able to fully love yourself. Love yourself unconditionally.  Accept any changes that occur within your body. If you feel that you need to lose or gain weight, do it healthily, but love yourself every step of the way.

Wear things that make you feel good
No matter what size you are, how tall you are, how large or small your breasts are, how round or flat your bottom is… you should wear clothes that make you feel beautiful. If sundresses make you feel good, then fill your wardrobe with them. If bright colors make you happy, wear them. If polka dots make you want to dance, make them your signature pattern. Wear clothes that fit well. Throw out any clothes that don’t fit. Don’t keep them in your wardrobe to wear when you’re two sizes smaller. They’ll only depress you. If you do lose weight, buy new clothes. Don’t hold on to old ones. Make everything in your wardrobe something you want to wear now.

Do something new with your body
You’re alive! And your body is the perfect instrument. There are so many things it can do, if you’ll let it. Do something new with it. Take up dance, start yoga classes, go running, paint a picture, learn a new sport, learn how to play an instrument, sing, recite a poem, learn a new language. The possibilities are endless.

Stop weighing yourself
I’m serious. Throw away your weighing scales. Why do you want to do something that makes you feel bad on a regular basis? Unless you need to weigh yourself for health reasons, stop weighing yourself today. Stop making numbers your priority. Start gauging your attractiveness in a different way.

Write a list of things you love about yourself
On a piece of paper, with your favorite pen, write a list of what makes you you. Do you love the shape of your legs? Are you a good listener? Do you have a nice voice? Write them down. Keep the list in your purse. Look at it any time you get a negative thought. I promise it will instantly make you feel better.

Choose a feel-good song
Choose a song that makes you want to get up and shake your booty. Put it on your mp3 player. Listen to it while you exercise. Listen to it while you get dressed for work. Hum it to yourself when you feel a bit down in the dumps. And dance to it when nobody’s watching. No fancy choreography, either. We all do this dance when we’re alone. We all feel joyous doing it. Let yourself dance like that regularly.

Surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally
There are people in your life who will love you no matter what happens. Whatever you do they will continue to love and support you. Make these people central to your life.

And as for those people who make you feel bad…
Those people who give backhanded compliments, who are always negative – tell them the way they make you feel. If they are worth hanging on to they will take heed of your comments and will make the effort to be more positive. If they don’t, then dump ‘em. You don’t need those people in your life.

Accept compliments
Don’t be boastful, but accept the compliments people give you. Accept them politely, with a smile and a ‘thank you’.

Give compliments
I believe we attract the same kind of energy we emit. If you’re positive, accepting and kind, you will attract positive, kind people. If you are mean, cruel and negative, you will attract cruel, negative people. Why not try to give everybody you meet just one compliment?  Tell your colleague her dress suits her; tell the waitress you like her make up; tell your friend she has a great smile. Do it! I promise you will begin to feel better about life if you always try to find at least one thing to compliment in every person you meet.

Eat well
Loving yourself means respecting your body and treating it well. This means putting good things into it. Eat fresh fruits and vegetables. Drink lots of water. If you eat meat, try to avoid the processed stuff. Try new dishes and flavors. Eat more fiber and less fat. Make yourself salads using the freshest ingredients. Allow yourself the occasional chocolate or glass of wine. Even pizza and french fries. Everything in moderation. Treat your body well and it’ll treat you well.

Get help
If you are suffering from an eating disorder, or you are feeling down a lot of the time, know that you deserve to be well. Respect yourself enough to seek professional help if you need it.

Do you know of any other ways to kick start the self-love process? I’d love to hear them!

Getting Over ‘Someday’ Syndrome

Davinia is a student and a writer who loves to blog about all manner of things: from travel to self-image, technology to writing skills. She also blogs about life since her big move from Malta to Dublin. You can read her blog here, and follow her on Twitter.

I’m guilty, and have always been guilty, of something I am not proud of. It’s something I call the ‘someday syndrome,’ and it’s something which affects almost all of us.

The someday syndrome is when you put off your hopes and dreams, saying you’ll get round to them ‘someday.’ It’s when you forgive yourself for not being the best you can be, saying that your circumstances are to blame for your procrastination.

You know what I’m talking about. It’s fine, I’ll tell myself – I can’t put aside enough time to write every day because I’m so busy. I’m sure that when I’m older, I’ll be better equipped to start my own business. I can’t write songs, because my piano is somewhat out of tune.

The truth is, making a change isn’t easy.  Once you’ve settled into a comfortable routine, it’s not easy to break the cycle. It’s how you become stuck in a rut. You might not be happy, but your days are all mapped out.

The thing is, that scares me. I believe we’re put on this world so that we can grow, so that we can learn all there is to learn. We’re not here just to be comfortable.  We have to push boundaries and evolve and excel! I hate it when I catch myself saying ‘Someday I’ll…’

Why someday? Why not now? What’s wrong with now?

It’s easier to procrastinate than admit we’re afraid of change. But change is good and we all know that. Let’s stop saying ‘someday’ and start saying ‘right now, this very moment’.

Let’s love ourselves NOW, not when we’ve lost or gained weight. Let’s exercise NOW, not when the weather is warmer or cooler.  Take photographs NOW, not when we can afford a professional camera – use a disposable camera if you need to, or borrow one.  Make friends NOW, not when we move to another country.  Read more NOW, not when we find a job with better hours.

The truth is, someday may never come.  Don’t wait until it’s too late to be the person you want to be, to be happy. Be that person now. Right now.

Handbag Therapy: 5 Bags For Recovering Bag-Aholics

Fajr is a freelance writer, digital dame, vintage lover, WordPress stalker and all around pursuer of her dreams! She writes about love, fashion, life and blogging at Stylish Thought.  Pop over and say hi!

Handbags are one of those perennial accessories that are lauded as must-haves one day and fashion don’ts the next. The 2000′s was a Period of Purse Overdose, with the It-bags taking over the runways. Chloe. Louis Vuitton, Prada and Marc Jacobs fed our handbag lust with fine leathers, sturdy straps and varnished clasps and even a mountain of trinkets to hang from your purse. The accessories had ACCESSORIES! The madness had to stop and eventually some cracker jack editor declared the It-bag dead.

The days of the next must-have, $1,000 bag are over and have ushered in the era of creating a timeless bag collection of Go-To purses. So where does that leave all of the recovering Bag-Aholics? While I’ve never been a handbag connoisseur myself (I’m an expert at baggage, not bags), I do appreciate a well crafted leather good and there are certain styles that I go to time after time for different functions and outfits. A well curated bag wardrobe should be like an ensemble cast, each character has a distinct voice but complements the others well.

Here is my ensemble cast of handbags every recovering Bag-Aholic should own:

THE WORKHORSE

The Workhorse is the bag that takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’. It’s your daily handbag, pulls double duty as a lunch bag, holds your daily planner, numerous books and tons of junk us ladies love to lug around. The workhorse is the star of the show and should be sturdy and substantial enough to withstand the daily use and abuse it’s certain to receive.

THE PAINTED LADY

While the Workhorse is the brute of the family, the Painted Lady is like your elderly grandmother who wears pearls for Sunday brunch and secretly laces her coffee with brandy. The Painted Lady purse often has a vintage clasp and structured handle and it’s perfect for your full skirts and sweater sets.

THE CLUTCH

She loves the nightlife, she loves to boogie! The clutch is the wild child of the bunch. A purse with no handle, she’s gone topless like Girls Gone Wild. The clutch is a perfect grab for the Saturday night out and looks dynamic with an evening gown. Who cares if you can barely fit your keys and lip gloss in one, that’s all you’ll need.

THE WRANGLER

Tough leather, varnished studs and grommets; the Wrangler is rugged and raring to go. It can come in a variety of styles, from a slouch bag or over-the-shoulder, it’s great for an outdoor trip or weekender bag. Now all you need is a hot cowboy to go along with it.

THE SHOPAHOLIC

A girl’s got to shop and when she does she needs a bag that will work with her and not against her. The Shopaholic is such a bag, with a single long strap for over-the-shoulder wear and deep pouches for your Granola bar and water bottle. Shopping is a competitive sport!

HANDBAG FLOWCHART

If you’re still confused about your Purse-onality check this incredible flowchart

{Source}

I live for a Workhorse bag, probably because I’m secretly a hoader and need to carry at least 3 books on daily basis. Somebody call A&E!

What bags do you swear by?

How To Feel Beautiful

Confession:I used to take great pride in putting together an amazing outfit, in doing my nails and taking good care of my skin. I read fashion magazines and accessorized and wore heels to the grocery store, just because. But then life happened and I had a few rough years.

As cheesy as it sounds, I didn’t like myself very much, and taking care of someone you’re not too fond of, dressing her up and painting her face and caring about appearance seems like a lot of work. Somewhere along the way, I stopped relishing in those girly pleasures. I recently found a series of old pictures, in which I was perfectly coiffed and my bag matched my heels and earrings and to be quite honest, it felt like looking at a stranger. Suddenly, I found myself longing for the days of fanciful makeup, well-placed accessories and high heels.

It’s not that I am a candidate for “What’s Not To Wear” or anything, but I definitely don’t feel pretty, or even beautiful’s naughtier cousin, sexy. I feel sort of frumpy: between gaining weight, spending most days covered in Vis A V pen at my teaching job and forgetting to do myself up in the midst of struggles (and let’s be real: a long-term relationship—what they say about love making you fat and increasing your love of sweats is true!), I just don’t feel like I’m at my best.

While being a teacher—and on a teacher’s budget—makes it a bit impractical to have lavish shopping sprees or dress to the nines for everyday, there is something to be said for putting thought into outfits and playing the part of the girly girl. It’s not about acheiving a certain weight, style or competing with others, but simply feeling pretty in my own skin.

I’ve made a list of things I’m hoping to do that will make me feel more beautiful:

Find a signature scent. Typically, I rely on body spray from Victoria’s Secret for my scent needs, but I’m hoping to find a more grown-up scent. Bonus points for pretty bottles.

Rock gorgeous unmentionables. You just feel prettier, even if no one sees them. Plus, a well-fitting foundation makes any body and outfit look better.

Institute weekly beauty rituals. I’m thinking a face mask during a guilty pleasure TV show might do the trick, plus Sunday night mani-pedis.

Finding reliable professionals.I’m far too neglectful of getting my hair done regularly, and while I regularly praise getting my brows done religiously, it’s been FAR too long since I let someone else wax them. It’s a little bit of money, sure, but it goes a long way towards making me feel pretty.

Bubble baths.I could sing the praises of a hot bath for days, but it’s rare that I add anything special to the water. I’m hoping to stock up on some bath bombs.

Wardrobe re-mixing.I’ve got some good stuff, and while there are holes in my wardrobe, an afternoon playing stylist and mixing things up would pump new life into the things I’ve already got.

Thrifting.I like a unique touch to my outfits and I’m good at finding skirts, belts, and jewelry that liven up older pieces, without breaking the bank. Since I’m in the throes of weight-loss, I’d rather not blow tons of money on clothes, but a few pieces to tide me over will definitely help.

Finding a red lipstick.I’m wary of lip color, mostly because I tend to play up my baby blues, but having a killer red lipstick just seems like such a lady-like thing to do. I’m hoping to head to Sephora soon and let the ladies their have their way with my lip color.

Wearing high heels.While it’s doubtful that I’ll ever be one of those stylish mavens who teaches all day in heels (I salute you, ladies!) wearing heels out to dinner or for a night out with friends seems do-able. I’m tucking some money away for a little shoe shopping spree.

Mental pep-talks.Good LORD, I am mean to myself. Instead of internally harping on a blemish or my wobbly upper arms or frizzy hair, I’d like to focus on my big blue eyes, my bright smile and curvy figure that looks good in a dress.

I’m feeling more beautiful already.

Tell me: what are your secrets to feeling beautiful? What beauty rituals do you engage in? 

How To Be The Change You Want To See In The World

Marthe Hagen is a soulful and adventurous writer and imagemaker. She shares her wisdom, musings and philosophy along with her visual inspiration over at The Freedom Experiment. She collects dreams and would love it if you would share yours. You can follow her at @Marthehhagen.

Mahatma Ghandi said “be the change you want to see in the world“. It’s a beautiful expression, but it’s a bit harder than it sounds, isn’t it?

But this change can carry whatever meaning you give it. How do you think the world can be a better place? For you and for others? Personally, I think the world would be better if we foster love and connection instead of hatred and fear. Here is a little list of things we all can do to make it happen:

1. Tell the people you care about how you feel and why. Start out with friends and family. Then go on and tell the guy in the coffee shop that he makes the best coffee around your part of the world. Tell you neighbors that you appreciate them. Tell the people who look good on the street that they have good taste. Compliment the blogger whose blog you read in silence.

2. Buy flowers (or even better – seedbombs) and spread them around your neighborhood. Make the world pretty. Decorate your home, leave karma cards and love notes around. Plant trees.

3. Forgive someone who did you wrong. Holding grudge will destroy you and hold you back. Forgive them for your own sake, forgive them to make the world a better place for everybody. Forgive someone for the sake of forgiveness. Wish them a happy life and mean it. Do it for love.

4. End an argument. Admit that you were wrong, or swallow a hurtful insult to keep peace. Commit to resolve an issue with dignity and respect. Commit to argue with love; listen and don’t generalize.

5. Turn anger into love. Negative emotions like anger are often a reflection of love. Look at why you’re angry in the first place. Is someone threatening something or someone you love? Are you angry with someone who did you wrong?  Look for the love and everything else will make sense and be easier to handle.

6. Be good to this earth. Buy local and organic, use public transport and don’t use plastic bags. It might seem like too small to matter, but even loving the earth in small portions make it a less toxic environment.

7. Spend time with real people. I mean, spend time with people who matter to you. Connect with people who have love in their hearts and stars in their eyes. Spend less time with people who complain, gossip and spread hate and insecurity.

8. Consume goodness and happiness. Don’t eat hate for breakfast and fear for dinner. In other words, don’t support and read newspapers and TV channels when their only intention is to sell you fear and despair. Start your day with sunshine and love by reading something that will inspire you and lift you up. And how about watching a TED talk instead of the evening news?

9. Take care of yourself. You can’t heal the world if you’re broken. It might feel selfish, but the best thing you can do to make the world better is to take care of yourself. Work on your own well being physically, emotionally and spiritually.

10. Help someone.  Help mums with strollers get on the bus, help a tourist find their way, help a friend by listening, help a co-worker finish a project. This will make the world a better place, it will make another person’s day and you will feel great too.

How do you think the world can be a better place? What do you do to make it happen?

The Secrets of Happiness