How To Help A Friend

Amy is a high school English teacher, coffee addict and Bikram yoga lover from Sacramento, CA. She blogs about her life at Just A Titch.

A few years ago I went through a messy, awful divorce.  And my life fell apart.  Everyone in my life wanted to help but no one knew what to do.  If you’ve got a friend going through something awful, here’s a primer on how to help.

1. Ask THEM what’s going on. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING irritated, hurt, and infuriated me more than friends who had heard things, thought they knew what was happening, had seen my MySpace or talked to my ex and assumed they were aware of the situation. Respect your friend enough to ask them what’s really happening, from their point of view.

2. LISTEN. Don’t talk. Don’t assume you know how they’re feeling. Ask them, and then be prepared to listen. If they cry, let them. If they’re pissed, let them be pissed. But above all, just be there to hear what they are saying.

3. Don’t walk on eggshells. It hurt me so deeply when I found out that other friends were dealing with their own serious stuff but didn’t tell me because they were afraid I couldn’t handle it. Being left out of the loop was hard, and no one wants to feel as if their friends view them as weak. There’s a time and a place. Ask your struggling friend when you can talk with them and let them know that you have something serious you want to share. Then, share, be honest and let them help you to the best of their current ability.

4. Be thoughtful. The morning my ex moved out, two girlfriends called me, picked me up and took me to the beach. Sure, it was freezing cold, but we went for the day, drove around, read books under blankets, took pictures, looked at a lighthouse and ate junk food. It was one of my best experiences ever, and it meant so much that they took time out of their schedule to get me away from something that was obviously going to be upsetting for me. My mom is one of the most thoughtful people I know and she would get me treats, take me to lunch or do other things just to spoil me. Look for opportunities to be encouraging and then do it.

5. Have grace. I was an exceptionally crappy friend for awhile—very bitter, angry and sad and not too fun to be around. Instead of slamming your friend, confronting them on their behavior or ignoring them, try to have patience. Set boundaries, and if they’re mean and hurtful regularly, call them on it. But if they don’t want to go to the movies one night or they snap at you, give them a break. If they cry, have too much wine or act foolishly, don’t appear shocked or annoyed. Roll with it, and extend kindness.

6. Keep your mouth shut. Keep the drama to a minimum, and just be quiet. Also, avoid spreading what’s going on. I spent so much time crying over the fact that people I loved and trusted were telling everyone who’d listen that I was divorcing.  Remember, you never know what path you’ll be walking in life. It could be you having a hard time next. Think about how you’d feel if YOU were the subject of the gossip train. Feels pretty crappy.

7. Don’t judge. I think the general rule is to not offer unsolicited advice. And unless your friend is doing something to hurt themselves or someone else, than don’t judge. I think everyone goes a little crazy during a tough time. What I appreciated most were those friends who would accompany me to the bar, listen to the stories of the weirdos I dated and hear me out when I needed to talk about my life without feeling like my every move was being analyzed and chastised silently.

8. Don’t be merry sunshine OR one-up them. The two responses I hated most: “It’s not so bad! At least you have your health!” and “Oh, you think your life is hard? One time, I had to go through ________________!” Let me have my pity party. I know I have my health. I know we’ve all had our bad times. But let me have my time, sans false cheer and competition. If I’m trusting you enough to talk, I want to talk. Selfish? Maybe. Honest? You bet. I realize this contradicts suggestion #3, but I think we all know the difference between sharing what’s going on and trying to compete for “who’s life is the worst.” Be sensitive.

9. Point to the good. I had many people—my parents, my grandparents, and my closest friends, hug me and assure me that it really would be okay. They were right, of course. Don’t be fake about it, but remind them to have perspective and that yep, it’s all gonna be fine.

10. Don’t disappear.  If you don’t know how to approach a friend going through a very difficult time, ASK. Don’t evaporate. It’s true what they say – you really do learn who your true friends are when you go through something like this–and it’s often not who you’d expect.

How do you help your friends?  How do you want people to help when you’re going through a rough time?

How To Feel Beautiful

Confession:I used to take great pride in putting together an amazing outfit, in doing my nails and taking good care of my skin. I read fashion magazines and accessorized and wore heels to the grocery store, just because. But then life happened and I had a few rough years.

As cheesy as it sounds, I didn’t like myself very much, and taking care of someone you’re not too fond of, dressing her up and painting her face and caring about appearance seems like a lot of work. Somewhere along the way, I stopped relishing in those girly pleasures. I recently found a series of old pictures, in which I was perfectly coiffed and my bag matched my heels and earrings and to be quite honest, it felt like looking at a stranger. Suddenly, I found myself longing for the days of fanciful makeup, well-placed accessories and high heels.

It’s not that I am a candidate for “What’s Not To Wear” or anything, but I definitely don’t feel pretty, or even beautiful’s naughtier cousin, sexy. I feel sort of frumpy: between gaining weight, spending most days covered in Vis A V pen at my teaching job and forgetting to do myself up in the midst of struggles (and let’s be real: a long-term relationship—what they say about love making you fat and increasing your love of sweats is true!), I just don’t feel like I’m at my best.

While being a teacher—and on a teacher’s budget—makes it a bit impractical to have lavish shopping sprees or dress to the nines for everyday, there is something to be said for putting thought into outfits and playing the part of the girly girl. It’s not about acheiving a certain weight, style or competing with others, but simply feeling pretty in my own skin.

I’ve made a list of things I’m hoping to do that will make me feel more beautiful:

Find a signature scent. Typically, I rely on body spray from Victoria’s Secret for my scent needs, but I’m hoping to find a more grown-up scent. Bonus points for pretty bottles.

Rock gorgeous unmentionables. You just feel prettier, even if no one sees them. Plus, a well-fitting foundation makes any body and outfit look better.

Institute weekly beauty rituals. I’m thinking a face mask during a guilty pleasure TV show might do the trick, plus Sunday night mani-pedis.

Finding reliable professionals.I’m far too neglectful of getting my hair done regularly, and while I regularly praise getting my brows done religiously, it’s been FAR too long since I let someone else wax them. It’s a little bit of money, sure, but it goes a long way towards making me feel pretty.

Bubble baths.I could sing the praises of a hot bath for days, but it’s rare that I add anything special to the water. I’m hoping to stock up on some bath bombs.

Wardrobe re-mixing.I’ve got some good stuff, and while there are holes in my wardrobe, an afternoon playing stylist and mixing things up would pump new life into the things I’ve already got.

Thrifting.I like a unique touch to my outfits and I’m good at finding skirts, belts, and jewelry that liven up older pieces, without breaking the bank. Since I’m in the throes of weight-loss, I’d rather not blow tons of money on clothes, but a few pieces to tide me over will definitely help.

Finding a red lipstick.I’m wary of lip color, mostly because I tend to play up my baby blues, but having a killer red lipstick just seems like such a lady-like thing to do. I’m hoping to head to Sephora soon and let the ladies their have their way with my lip color.

Wearing high heels.While it’s doubtful that I’ll ever be one of those stylish mavens who teaches all day in heels (I salute you, ladies!) wearing heels out to dinner or for a night out with friends seems do-able. I’m tucking some money away for a little shoe shopping spree.

Mental pep-talks.Good LORD, I am mean to myself. Instead of internally harping on a blemish or my wobbly upper arms or frizzy hair, I’d like to focus on my big blue eyes, my bright smile and curvy figure that looks good in a dress.

I’m feeling more beautiful already.

Tell me: what are your secrets to feeling beautiful? What beauty rituals do you engage in?