On Feeling Inferior and the Comparison Trap

Mara Glatzel is a self-love coach and author of the body image + authentic living blog, Medicinal Marzipan. If you enjoyed this post, catch up with her (almost) daily body-loving antics and general rabble-rousing on facebook,  twitter, or shoot her an email.

There are always moments, no matter where we are on the self-love continuum when we relapse a little, falling back into old habits like comparing ourselves to others in the room or in our field. It can be easy in those vulnerable moments to believe that we might not come out favorably in comparison with some of our heroes, and to use this as evidence to undermine our self-worth.

I always tell my clients that no matter how much progress they have made, when they are in moments of stress and doubt – they will retreat back to those well worn neurological pathways – the messages that they used to tell themselves on loop.

The messages that used to write their self-worth story.

For me, these well worn tracks include deep pathways of look what she’s doing and I’m never going to be as smart/pretty/successful/_____ as her - thought processes deeply imbued in comparison and self-doubt.

Thought processes where it is easy to come out feeling badly about myself.

You can be very accomplished at avoiding these reels of negative self-talk in your regular life, and it can be surprising when they resurface in moments of overwhelming stress. It can be easy in these moments to use the mere recurrence of this type of thinking as evidence of your lack of self-worth. As in, ugh, and I really thought that I was better than this – maybe I was kidding myself all along with this self-love stuff, maybe I really am [insert mean thought here].

Though it can be difficult to maintain a sense of equilibrium with all of these negative thoughts swirling around, here is a virtual ladder to pull you out of the well of self-doubt:

1. Take a deep breath. Everything truly is going to be OK.
2. Examine the evidence. Are you really [mean thought]? Are there times when you haven’t been [mean thought]? What evidence do you have to the contrary?
3. Allow yourself a relapse into self-doubt and comparison. No one is perfect all the time. You are only human.
4. When in doubt, remember that most people in the world are also totally wrapped up their own head and experience of the world. Likely? They don’t even notice what you’re doing.
5. Print this out, put it in near reach, keep it with you during stressful moments: You are the only person like you in the world. You are the only one in the world who can write your blog, run your business, wear that dress, or  ________ like you do. You are unique. Own it.

Positive Self-Talk and Body-Loving Relationships

Mara Glatzel is a self-love coach and author of the body image + authentic living blog, Medicinal Marzipan. If you enjoyed this post, catch up with her (almost) daily body-loving antics and general rabble-rousing on facebook,  twitter, or shoot her an email.

Raise your hand if you have said something negative about your body in the context of a conversation with a friend or acquaintance.

Suspend your disbelief: there you are, feeling a little bit nervous, wanting this person in front of you to like you. You’re not quite sure what you can say that makes you seem _____ (cool, smart, interesting). Suddenly the conversation navigates back to familiar territory – comparison and body bashing. And before you know it, you’re saying something to the effect of, “oh I KNOW, and these THIGHS! I really should get back to the gym this week.”

Or you join in making fun of that girl walking by who just shouldn’t be wearing that or that dress so-and-so wore to the academy awards.

Many of us are comfortable talking negatively about our bodies in conversations with our girl friends. We have grown up listening to our mother’s talk about their bodies in the same way – looking in the mirror, pinching a part of their body and exclaiming that if only we could get rid of this our lives would be just perfect.

We are comfortable speaking negatively about ourselves for the sake of easy conversation. We do it out of habit. We are encouraged the the lure of comfortable community.

However, each and every time we speak negatively about either our body or someone else’s we are sending ourselves a powerful message about what it means to be good enough.

If our actions speak louder than our words – our efforts towards self-love and self-acceptance are undercut by the casual daily degradation of our bodies during conversation.

True, “I just love my body so much today. I’m so grateful for everything that it gives me,” might be a conversation stopper, but that is because we have become so accustomed to negative self-talk that speaking positively about yourself and your assets has become a taboo.

We are careful not to look like we are boasting or bragging about all that we bring to the table, and instead, we cut ourselves down to size so that we are palatable and easy to swallow. We keep quiet about our accomplishments to keep from frightening others away or overwhelming them.

We tuck all of our self-love away, because we don’t want to be accused of being too big, too bright, too sparkly.

I believe that it is possible to begin to build friendships and relationships that encourage and celebrate our strengths, as much as it has been possible in the past to develop bridges based on the common experience of body loathing. We can be comfortable within our skin and make an effort not to speak negatively about others.

We can make a conscious choice not to add more body negativity to the world around us.

We can make a choice to get comfortable in our skin, drop the struggle with our bodies, and build relationships that encourage the flourishing growth of our new-found body love.

Learning to Ask For What You Need + Mean What You Say

Mara Glatzel is a self-love coach and author of the body image + authentic living blog, Medicinal Marzipan. If you enjoyed this post, catch up with her (almost) daily body-loving antics and general rabble-rousing on facebook,  twitter, or shoot her an email.

When was the last time that you asked for what you needed?

I’m not talking “Will you please pass me the OJ?”

I’m talking about getting down on your knees, with your arms out stretched, and uttering the secret desires in a heartfelt plea.

I’m talking about cutting through the background noise, the games, the I-really-shouldn’t, and asking for what you need.

I know it’s a tall order.

I also know what it feels like to go through your life, for years at a time, angry that your needs aren’t being met.

I know what it’s like to be angry at myself, because I know that no one can possibly meet a need that I haven’t verbalized out loud.

We are socialized to balance it all – work, life, love, the laundry, our master’s thesis, children, you name it. We are taught to resist asking for help.

We don’t want people to feel bad for us. We don’t want to be a bother. We think we’re supposed to be stronger than that.

We worry about what it means to let our guard down enough to permit someone else to help us.
What if we get used to someone helping us, and then they up and leave us?

In an era of smart phones, facebook chat and the multitude of buffers between us and the person that we are communicating with, it can be terrifying to hang up the phone, look someone in the eye and say:

I’m feeling a little overwhelmed, could you possibly help me out with _______?

Or, I’m feeling a little vulnerable right now with everything that’s going on, could you possible give me some extra love over the next couple of days?

Or, I’ve completely over-committed myself, is there any way that you could bake the cookies for the bake sale tomorrow?

When you dig deep and fess up about your limitations, you are allowing those around you to help you, reducing your level of stress, and ultimately, providing you the space to be a better friend, partner and person.

When you choose your words carefully and speak from your heart, you permit those around you to trust that you are impeccable with your world, and that you will ask for help when you need it.

The worst that they can say is no.

Dressing Like You LIKE Your Body

Mara Glatzel is a self-love coach and author of the body image + authentic living blog, Medicinal Marzipan. If you enjoyed this post, catch up with her (almost) daily body-loving antics and general rabble-rousing on facebook,  twitter, or shoot her an email.

Having grown up in the time of JNCO jeans and over-sized shirts – I am quite familiar with the desire to cover your body up before you leave the house every day. It looked a lot like this: an extremely awkward fifteen-year-old with hips and a body that was fully developed in the third grade, and a stomach that is anything but flat gets dressed in the morning, pulling on those cargo pants with the draw-string waistband and the sweater to my knees.

All the while silently praying that no one would say a word about my chest/hips/____.

Praying that I could just melt into the wall.

Hunching over as I sat, making myself as small as possible.

As an adult, I channel that fifteen year old more often than I’d like to admit, and no amount of love your body no matter what mantras makes getting dressed in the morning that much easier when I slip back into that state. The thoughts, though somewhat tempered by age, are automatic:

Oh my god I think they’re staring.

I must look horrible in this. Oh man… Do I look horrible in this???

I KNEW that wearing bright red lipstick was a bad idea.

Everyone is looking at my chest – I should have worn a turtleneck.

However, though you may try to cover up your perceived flaws, make yourself small, minimize your gifts, or try to forget that your body exists – you will never be able to escape yourself.  

You get one body in this life, and it is the vessel that carries you about your life from the moment you are born until the day you die.

Please, stop fighting it. You are lovely. Your curves are other-worldly. Your freckles? Perfection. Your pale skin is porcelain and breathtaking.

Your muffin top?

I was much too busy looking at your radiant smile.

I was transfixed by how gorgeous you looked when you finally gave up the struggle, and decided to dress for your body instead of worrying about how you look in the newest trend.

If you only get one body in this world, maybe today, instead of getting dressed in the same old jeans-shirt-Uggs combo, you put on something that makes you feel really foxy. You deserve to get comfortable in your body and show off the skin that you’re in – in whatever way feels thrilling to you.

Surprise yourself by how good it makes you feel, you’re worth the effort.